The Atheist Christmas Carol

Yes, I'm two months too late, but I heard this song a few weeks ago.

Vienna Teng - The Atheist Christmas Carol

Mama Who Bore Me

I finally saw Spring Awakening last Saturday, and there was much in it I could relate to.

This song, IMO, very accurately describes my experience as a woman in the LDS Church:



Interesting how a play featuring a sexually repressed culture in 1890's Germany relates so well to modern day mormonism. :(

Who can it be knockin' at my door?

...The missionaries, of course!

**barf**

Yesterday was my first day back at work after having surgery. It was a rough day. I was in no mood for any shit when I got home. Then around 8:30 pm, someone knocked on my door. I was already in my pajamas by this point, and I looked out the peep-hole and saw them with thier white shirts and silly nametags. I didn't answer the door.

Then they rang the doorbell. I stood in the hall and shouted "No, don't get the door. It's people selling religion. We don't want any," to my empty condo.

Then they knocked again. WTF?

I looked out a few minutes later and they were gone. I didn't hear them knock on my next door neighbors' door or go upstairs, so I'm guessing they came just for me. That sucks. If I find out who sent them, I'm going to be super-pissed at that person.

Because seriously, sending a couple of 19-21 year old kids (who really should be in school or doing something else useful with thier lives) to my door is going to somehow convince me to believe in a bullshit religion again? Yeah, right.

Anyway, it makes me think of this song:


Who Can It Be Now? by Men at Work

Why can't people just stay the hell out of other people's business? Having random strangers knock on my door at any time of the day pisses me off, but after 8pm, while I am still recovering from surgery really pisses me off. Why do people have to meddle in eachother's lives, especially in such obnoxious, passive-aggressive ways (like sending missionaries to their house)?

Anyway, so many of the song's lyrics apply to the situation. Enjoy!

Failed Christian

Came across the lyrics to this song today. Just change "Christian" to "Mormon" and it fits pretty well:



I'm a failed Christian
I don't go to church
I smoke and I drink
and I lie and I curse

It never got to me
your sermon and all
you talked and talked
about nothing at all

I'm a failed Christian
Failed Christian

I've got two recollections
taking the collections
and tears when the choir
sang in harmony
It scared me half to death
I swore as I left
with a inside pocket full
of change and memories

I'm a failed Christian
Failed Christian

I'm a failed Christian
I've got my own church
I pray with my soul
to this great universe
all over the world
the bloods on their hands
religious instruction
I can't understand

I'm a failed Christian,
Failed Christian

I'm going to meet my maker
a firm beleiver
of spirit in music
theres a prayer in a song
I'm a failed Christian
and if I'm go under
them you're coming with me
that much I can't tell


Pretty self-explanatory. I've italicized the parts I relate to the most.

Except I can't tell if the singer performing this song is sad that he's "failed" at his religion, or happy/proud. Personally, I'm proud of my lack of belief and don't consider it a failure at all. Moving past superstition is, IMO, a great mental triumph.

Not In This Life

Today's song is "Not In This Life" by Natalie Merchant.



Lately I've been walking all alone
Through the wind and through the rain
Been walking through the streets
Finding sweet relief in knowing that it won't be long

Lately it's occurred to me
That I've had enough of this
And lately I've been satisfied by simple things
Like breathing in and breathing out

Never again, not in this life
Will I be taken twice
Never again, never on your life
Will I make that same mistake
I can't make it twice

Lately it's occurred to me
Exactly what went wrong
I realized I compromised, I sacrificed
Far too much for far too long

Never again, not in this life
Will I be taken twice
Never again, not on your life
Will I make that same mistake
I can't make it twice

Starting out from here today
Swear I'm gonna change my ways
Once mistaken in this life
But never twice

Never again, not in this life
Will I be taken twice
Never again, not on your life
Will I make that same mistake
Never again, not on your life
Will I make that same mistake
Can't make it twice

Starting out from here today...

This is one of the major songs that describes how I felt (and still often feel) about leaving the LDS church.

I was never happy as a member, and tried to minimize the church's influence in my life as much as possible. By 2006, I'd had alot of experiences that made me think the whole belief system was built on fraud and lies. But summer 2007 was the final straw.

I was struggling with a medical problem that left me feeling tired and horrible all the time. I couldn't exactly quit my job, or take alot of time off to try and recover, so I finally just stopped attending church completely. I was already mostly inactive, and once I started spending every Sunday actually resting at home, my condition started to improve and become much more managable.

I had done a little research into church history and doctrine before this, but with my newfound time and improved health, I started researching more, and found out what I had always suspected--it was all a fraud.

In a way I was relieved, because church was just something I put up with because I felt I had to. I was upset about having been lied to for my entire life to that point, but I also felt like I had been released from some kind of captivity. I had always followed my own drummer and lived my life as I thought was best, but now I could do it without feeling guilty.

This song reminds me to learn from this experience. Letting the church have any influence at all in my life was a mistake, and I sure as hell won't make it twice. This song reminds me not to let any person or organization control me in any way.

Feeling bad about being myself, and living the life I want (instead of the one-size-fits-all life the church has designed for women) was a compromise and sacrifice I will never make again.

Anyone who is doing the best they can with their circumstances, and trying to do the right thing, make the most out of their life, and find a path to happiness should never have to feel bad about what they are doing. Any organization that would make them feel that way is not to be trusted, and should be avoided.

I'm not the man they think I am at home

Ok, kind of a weird choice, since it's actually probably about drugs or something, but I really like "Rocket Man" by Elton John.

More than anything, I think the song is about loneliness; about feeling like no one truly knows or understands you, and probably no one wants to understand what you're going through either. I still haven't been able to tell my parents about my lack of belief in the LDS church, because I'm afraid they will abandon me too. So for now, I really am "not the [person] they think I am at home."

I think it's about feeling so alone that you may as well be out in space.

Since losing my religion, I feel like an exile in the most familiar of places. I grew up in Utah, but I no longer belong here. Maybe I never did. Anyway, enjoy the song.

Maybe we don't want to be found

After leaving the LDS church, all I wanted was to be left alone. I didn't want any "assigned friends" stopping by to ask why I wasn't coming to church anymore, leaving treats on my doorstep (I'm trying to lose weight), or inviting me to church activities that never interested me in the first place.

If these people were really interested in me as a person, and wanted to be my friends even though I don't share their beliefs, that would be great. But instinct and experience tell me that probably isn't the case.

LDS members are often told by their leaders that they need to "fellowship" those who are inactive, and that "every member is a missionary." People get it into their heads that if they fail to get inactive members to come back to church, God will hold them accountable for it.

WTF, right? What kind of all-knowing, all-loving God would hold one person accountable for the actions of another? Seriously.

So, today's song is "Rangers," by A Fine Frenzy. I love her songs, and as I was listening to this one today, it reminded me of all the visiting teachers, home teachers and missionaries that are always trying to "track me down."


(Embedding was disabled for the official video. Check it out here.)

Lyrics:

the paths have been crossed
the crumbs are gone
and the way and the way is lost
melancholy phantoms eye our skins
poisoned apples falling with the wind
hear the sigh of the trees
those who enter here never leave


and the rangers stream out of their cabins
they are the hunters, we are the rabbits
but maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want to be found


further in and on we go
sightless creatures tugging at our clothes
cutting through the twilight, sword in hand
strangers once, united against the land
at the sound of the bells
they’re pulling paper lanterns from their shelves


and the rangers stream out of their cabins
they are the hunters, we are the rabbits
and maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want you tracking us down
the rangers stream out of their cabins
raising their muskets, flashing their badges
but maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want to be found


let’s keep hiding, all quiet-like
they’ll keep seeking but they won’t find us
let’s keep living our quiet lives you and I


and the rangers stream out of their cabins
they are the hunters, we are the rabbits
and maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want you tracking us down
the rangers stream out of their cabins
raising their muskets, flashing their badges
but maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want to be found

Those who enter here never leave: The vast majority of people born into the LDS church never leave. Thier families have been in for generations and it's all they've ever known. The church also employs alot of fear tactics to keep people in.

They are the hunters, we are the rabbits: Whenever I find something (frozen yogurt gift card, scripture marker etc) that's been left on my doorstep by the visiting teachers, it makes me feel like an animal that's being hunted. I wish they would just go away and leave me in peace.

Maybe we don't want to be found: I sure don't want to be found. I don't need to be--I'm not a lost sheep that wandered off, I'm a goat who ran away. :) But LDS members are often told that it is their duty to bring "those simple souls who stray" back to the fold.

At the sound of the bells: Makes me think of church bells, a call to worship. Or in my interpretation of this song, the bells are the voices of church leaders calling the members to action, telling them to get all those "inactives" back to church.

They're pulling paper lanterns from their shelves: Paper lanterns sound like something flimsy and weak that would not be very effective against the darkness of the forest. So this makes me think of the church itself. Its foundational claims are flimsy, the work of a con-man; and I don't think it provides any kind of light or truth to the "big bad world."

Maybe we don't want you tracking us down: Seriously. If I'm not showing up at the indoctrination sessions, it should be obvious that I'm not interested in the LDS church. So stop wasting your time and effort on me.

Raising thier muskets: In my case, the rangers (VTs, etc) are trying to kill me with "kindness" and persistence. Those are thier muskets.

Flashing thier badges: Just reminds me of the little name badges missionaries wear. Like being called "Elder" or "Sister" gives them some kind of authority. LOL.

Let's keep hiding... etc: All I want is to live a peaceful quiet life. I shouldn't have to screen my calls and avoid answering the door. I keep hoping that the rangers will eventually give up on me, but it has almost been 2 years since I last attended a church meeting. One day I will send in my resignation letter. Until then, they will probably keep wasting thier time on me. But nothing they do will ever bring me back. They will never catch me.

This song, IMO, is about trying to escape and find a safe place, away from those who are hunting you down to drag you back into a life you want no part of. That is exactly how I feel about Mormonism and my assigned friends. They are the hunters, I am the rabbit.