PostMormon Mixtape

The Atheist Christmas Carol

2011-02-21T17:50:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm two months too late, but I heard this song a few weeks ago.

Vienna Teng - The Atheist Christmas Carol

Mama Who Bore Me

2011-01-23T13:28:00.000-08:00

I finally saw Spring Awakening last Saturday, and there was much in it I could relate to.

This song, IMO, very accurately describes my experience as a woman in the LDS Church:

Interesting how a play featuring a sexually repressed culture in 1890's Germany relates so well to modern day mormonism. :(

Who can it be knockin' at my door?

2010-07-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

...The missionaries, of course!

**barf**

Yesterday was my first day back at work after having surgery. It was a rough day. I was in no mood for any shit when I got home. Then around 8:30 pm, someone knocked on my door. I was already in my pajamas by this point, and I looked out the peep-hole and saw them with thier white shirts and silly nametags. I didn't answer the door.

Then they rang the doorbell. I stood in the hall and shouted "No, don't get the door. It's people selling religion. We don't want any," to my empty condo.

Then they knocked again. WTF?

I looked out a few minutes later and they were gone. I didn't hear them knock on my next door neighbors' door or go upstairs, so I'm guessing they came just for me. That sucks. If I find out who sent them, I'm going to be super-pissed at that person.

Because seriously, sending a couple of 19-21 year old kids (who really should be in school or doing something else useful with thier lives) to my door is going to somehow convince me to believe in a bullshit religion again? Yeah, right.

Anyway, it makes me think of this song:

Who Can It Be Now? by Men at Work

Why can't people just stay the hell out of other people's business? Having random strangers knock on my door at any time of the day pisses me off, but after 8pm, while I am still recovering from surgery really pisses me off. Why do people have to meddle in eachother's lives, especially in such obnoxious, passive-aggressive ways (like sending missionaries to their house)?

Anyway, so many of the song's lyrics apply to the situation. Enjoy!

Failed Christian

2010-06-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

Came across the lyrics to this song today. Just change "Christian" to "Mormon" and it fits pretty well:

I'm a failed Christian
I don't go to church
I smoke and I drink
and I lie and I curse

It never got to me
your sermon and all
you talked and talked
about nothing at all

I'm a failed Christian
Failed Christian

I've got two recollections
taking the collections
and tears when the choir
sang in harmony
It scared me half to death
I swore as I left
with a inside pocket full
of change and memories

I'm a failed Christian
Failed Christian

I'm a failed Christian
I've got my own church
I pray with my soul
to this great universe
all over the world
the bloods on their hands
religious instruction
I can't understand

I'm a failed Christian,
Failed Christian

I'm going to meet my maker
a firm beleiver
of spirit in music
theres a prayer in a song
I'm a failed Christian
and if I'm go under
them you're coming with me
that much I can't tell

Pretty self-explanatory. I've italicized the parts I relate to the most.

Except I can't tell if the singer performing this song is sad that he's "failed" at his religion, or happy/proud. Personally, I'm proud of my lack of belief and don't consider it a failure at all. Moving past superstition is, IMO, a great mental triumph.

Not In This Life

2010-04-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

Today's song is "Not In This Life" by Natalie Merchant.

Lately I've been walking all alone
Through the wind and through the rain
Been walking through the streets
Finding sweet relief in knowing that it won't be long

Lately it's occurred to me
That I've had enough of this
And lately I've been satisfied by simple things
Like breathing in and breathing out

Never again, not in this life
Will I be taken twice
Never again, never on your life
Will I make that same mistake
I can't make it twice

Lately it's occurred to me
Exactly what went wrong
I realized I compromised, I sacrificed
Far too much for far too long

Never again, not in this life
Will I be taken twice
Never again, not on your life
Will I make that same mistake
I can't make it twice

Starting out from here today
Swear I'm gonna change my ways
Once mistaken in this life
But never twice

Never again, not in this life
Will I be taken twice
Never again, not on your life
Will I make that same mistake
Never again, not on your life
Will I make that same mistake
Can't make it twice

Starting out from here today...

This is one of the major songs that describes how I felt (and still often feel) about leaving the LDS church.

I was never happy as a member, and tried to minimize the church's influence in my life as much as possible. By 2006, I'd had alot of experiences that made me think the whole belief system was built on fraud and lies. But summer 2007 was the final straw.

I was struggling with a medical problem that left me feeling tired and horrible all the time. I couldn't exactly quit my job, or take alot of time off to try and recover, so I finally just stopped attending church completely. I was already mostly inactive, and once I started spending every Sunday actually resting at home, my condition started to improve and become much more managable.

I had done a little research into church history and doctrine before this, but with my newfound time and improved health, I started researching more, and found out what I had always suspected--it was all a fraud.

In a way I was relieved, because church was just something I put up with because I felt I had to. I was upset about having been lied to for my entire life to that point, but I also felt like I had been released from some kind of captivity. I had always followed my own drummer and lived my life as I thought was best, but now I could do it without feeling guilty.

This song reminds me to learn from this experience. Letting the church have any influence at all in my life was a mistake, and I sure as hell won't make it twice. This song reminds me not to let any person or organization control me in any way.

Feeling bad about being myself, and living the life I want (instead of the one-size-fits-all life the church has designed for women) was a compromise and sacrifice I will never make again.

Anyone who is doing the best they can with their circumstances, and trying to do the right thing, make the most out of their life, and find a path to happiness should never have to feel bad about what they are doing. Any organization that would make them feel that way is not to be trusted, and should be avoided.

I'm not the man they think I am at home

2009-06-24T15:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, kind of a weird choice, since it's actually probably about drugs or something, but I really like "Rocket Man" by Elton John.

More than anything, I think the song is about loneliness; about feeling like no one truly knows or understands you, and probably no one wants to understand what you're going through either. I still haven't been able to tell my parents about my lack of belief in the LDS church, because I'm afraid they will abandon me too. So for now, I really am "not the [person] they think I am at home."

I think it's about feeling so alone that you may as well be out in space.

Since losing my religion, I feel like an exile in the most familiar of places. I grew up in Utah, but I no longer belong here. Maybe I never did. Anyway, enjoy the song.

Maybe we don't want to be found

2009-06-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

After leaving the LDS church, all I wanted was to be left alone. I didn't want any "assigned friends" stopping by to ask why I wasn't coming to church anymore, leaving treats on my doorstep (I'm trying to lose weight), or inviting me to church activities that never interested me in the first place.

If these people were really interested in me as a person, and wanted to be my friends even though I don't share their beliefs, that would be great. But instinct and experience tell me that probably isn't the case.

LDS members are often told by their leaders that they need to "fellowship" those who are inactive, and that "every member is a missionary." People get it into their heads that if they fail to get inactive members to come back to church, God will hold them accountable for it.

WTF, right? What kind of all-knowing, all-loving God would hold one person accountable for the actions of another? Seriously.

So, today's song is "Rangers," by A Fine Frenzy. I love her songs, and as I was listening to this one today, it reminded me of all the visiting teachers, home teachers and missionaries that are always trying to "track me down."

(Embedding was disabled for the official video. Check it out here.)

Lyrics:

the paths have been crossed
the crumbs are gone
and the way and the way is lost
melancholy phantoms eye our skins
poisoned apples falling with the wind
hear the sigh of the trees
those who enter here never leave

and the rangers stream out of their cabins
they are the hunters, we are the rabbits
but maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want to be found

further in and on we go
sightless creatures tugging at our clothes
cutting through the twilight, sword in hand
strangers once, united against the land
at the sound of the bells
they’re pulling paper lanterns from their shelves

and the rangers stream out of their cabins
they are the hunters, we are the rabbits
and maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want you tracking us down
the rangers stream out of their cabins
raising their muskets, flashing their badges
but maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want to be found

let’s keep hiding, all quiet-like
they’ll keep seeking but they won’t find us
let’s keep living our quiet lives you and I

and the rangers stream out of their cabins
they are the hunters, we are the rabbits
and maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want you tracking us down
the rangers stream out of their cabins
raising their muskets, flashing their badges
but maybe we don’t want to be found
maybe we don’t want to be found

Those who enter here never leave: The vast majority of people born into the LDS church never leave. Thier families have been in for generations and it's all they've ever known. The church also employs alot of fear tactics to keep people in.

They are the hunters, we are the rabbits: Whenever I find something (frozen yogurt gift card, scripture marker etc) that's been left on my doorstep by the visiting teachers, it makes me feel like an animal that's being hunted. I wish they would just go away and leave me in peace.

Maybe we don't want to be found: I sure don't want to be found. I don't need to be--I'm not a lost sheep that wandered off, I'm a goat who ran away. :) But LDS members are often told that it is their duty to bring "those simple souls who stray" back to the fold.

At the sound of the bells: Makes me think of church bells, a call to worship. Or in my interpretation of this song, the bells are the voices of church leaders calling the members to action, telling them to get all those "inactives" back to church.

They're pulling paper lanterns from their shelves: Paper lanterns sound like something flimsy and weak that would not be very effective against the darkness of the forest. So this makes me think of the church itself. Its foundational claims are flimsy, the work of a con-man; and I don't think it provides any kind of light or truth to the "big bad world."

Maybe we don't want you tracking us down: Seriously. If I'm not showing up at the indoctrination sessions, it should be obvious that I'm not interested in the LDS church. So stop wasting your time and effort on me.

Raising thier muskets: In my case, the rangers (VTs, etc) are trying to kill me with "kindness" and persistence. Those are thier muskets.

Flashing thier badges: Just reminds me of the little name badges missionaries wear. Like being called "Elder" or "Sister" gives them some kind of authority. LOL.

Let's keep hiding... etc: All I want is to live a peaceful quiet life. I shouldn't have to screen my calls and avoid answering the door. I keep hoping that the rangers will eventually give up on me, but it has almost been 2 years since I last attended a church meeting. One day I will send in my resignation letter. Until then, they will probably keep wasting thier time on me. But nothing they do will ever bring me back. They will never catch me.

This song, IMO, is about trying to escape and find a safe place, away from those who are hunting you down to drag you back into a life you want no part of. That is exactly how I feel about Mormonism and my assigned friends. They are the hunters, I am the rabbit.

Something Else

2009-05-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

The song is "Something Else" by Gary Jules. Lyrics and commentary below the video.

they never tell you truth is subjective
they only tell you not to lie
they never tell you there's strength in vulnerability
they only tell you not to cry
but I've been living underground
sleeping on the way
and finding something else to say
is like walking on the freeway
they never tell you you don't need to be afraid
they only tell you to deny
so is it true that only good girls go to heaven?
they only sell you what you buy
and I've been living underground
sleeping on the way
and finding something else to say
is like walking on the freeway
I've been living underground
trying not to burn
and finding something else to learn
at hollywood and western
(bold added by me)

I was always looking for "something else"--something more than the one size fits all approach to everything in life that the LDS church had to offer. I had dreams of getting an education, traveling around the world, etc, but none of those things were compatible with what the church claims is a "woman's divine role": wife and mother. Doing anything other than that is a disappointment to God. So, even if I found a cure for all cancers, my life would still be a failure because I'm not married and have no children. Awesome. But anyway...

Since the church claims to speak for God, their way is the only right way. They claim that other religions may have "some truth," but they are the only ones with God's complete truth. So everyone else is wrong. No room for subjectivity there.

But whether or not the church leadership tells the truth ("some things that are true are not useful") members are supposed to follow all the rules and not question. Once the "prophets" have spoken, the thinking has been done.

In Utah, sometimes I feel like I am living underground, or "hiding out," like I can't really be myself. That feeling was alot worse when I attended church. I never felt like I fit in at all. Trying to maintain friendships and good family relationships with true believers, and not burn any bridges can be difficult, and some days I really do feel like I am trying to cross a busy freeway and not get hit by any of the speeding cars.

In the LDS church, there are alot of things that members are told they should be afraid of, not the least of which is apostasy. If you leave, you lose your salvation, and won't get to be with your "eternal family" anymore. I think that this fear of losing loved ones is what keeps alot of people in the church.

So, when doubts arise, members are supposed to just ignore or deny them. Because if those doubts lead to an investigation of church history, it could lead to someone leaving the church.

I'm especially fond of the "only good girls go to heaven" line. There is a quote by Ron Carlson that states: "The first thing any religion worth its salt controls is its women." Mormonism puts alot of effort into controling its women. Even if a woman follows all the rules, she still can't make it to the highest level of the Celestial Kingdom (the best part of heaven in Mormonism) without being sealed to a man in the temple. Men control everything in the church, and women are often treated as second class citizens. (More details can be found here.)

I like this song because I can relate to it. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling like an outsider because I wanted "something else" out of life than what circumstances would have forced upon me.

What is PostMormon Songs?

2009-05-19T19:46:00.000-07:00

I was born and raised in the LDS (Mormon) church. I've lived in Utah my entire life, and it was all I'd ever known. I always just went along with it, even though many doctrines seemed strange and not consistant with the way I thought an all-knowing, all-loving God would act (racism, sexism, homophobia, etc).

It was something I barely tolerated, and only thought about when I had to, like during the three hour block of Sunday meetings or the seminary classes I was forced to take in high school.

I put up with it out of family and peer pressure, until I just couldn't take it anymore. It's been over a year since I last attended church, and I am much happier. However, with the exception of my sister (another PostMo), none of my relatives know that I that I don't believe.

The only place I can discuss how I really feel about the church is online with like-minded people.

And since I love music, I thought I would share songs that have been helpful to me in my continuing journey out.

I'll start with the song that gave me the idea for this blog: “Go On My Child” by Michelle Featherstone.

Leaving can be very lonely, especially when people you thought were your friends stop talking to you, simply because you don't show up at Sunday meetings anymore. For some reason, I find this song very comforting.

(Feel free to ignore the One Tree Hill clips, this was the best version I could find...)

Lyrics are below, I bolded the ones I find to be the most poignant.

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty and grace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary, don't turn your head away

Chorus:
So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your lies
Go on, go on my child

Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile

(chorus)

So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be

Don't feel so naked, I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent

(chorus)

This song of the day is dedicated to everyone who has suffered because of the LDS church, especially those who have left.

Those who walk away often lose family and friends, among other things. People who leave are frequently viewed as being "defective," while the LDS church is perfect and blameless.

This is totally false, and so hurtful.

Please feel free to submit your own song ideas (artist, title and a little bit about what the song means to you) to: postmormonsongs@live.com; or leave them in the comments. Because I can't talk about myself and my experiences the whole time...

Or can I? ;)